Did Wolverine used to be a Sloth?

                People disagree about this aspect. I’ve had a great many discussions with fellow blogging sloths about it. Since they are also nerds (hence the blog) they argue, no, he’s accomplished too much. Look at all that success. No way he could be anything but a super hero with a troubled past. Besides there seems to be quite a drama in his life, something noticeably absent from your average sloth’s life. However, I treat Wolverine as something of an aberration of the sloth lifestyle. 

                You’re heard the origin story. Some boring ass Canadian guy living in luxury decides to move in with wolves in the wilderness. Later people put in an exoskeleton of metal into Wolverine because experimenting on humans seemed like a fun thing to do; he joins Dylan Carlson’s doom-metal project Earth in the early 90s, later ends up doing some random hippie stuff in Vermont, starts up an ice cream store, and eventually gets around to saving humanity. 

                The random trip to Vermont is pretty hardcore sloth. Most sloths do live in warmer climates but we occasionally enjoy traveling to New England to participate in its slower way of life. Sloths live in jungles. Jungles teem with life, too much life. I really can’t think of an environment chiller than Vermont. 

                Wolverine must be a sloth. . Claws, I mean come on. According to the comic book, he sleeps eighteen hours a day. He struggles with self-control. Sloths do that too. That’s why we sleep most of the time, to avoid bothering others. Ours is a polite species, consider us the Canadians of the world, perpetually bored, clean, disinterested in whatever you are doing, and damn near psychotic about hockey.  

                Here’s where I think something was lost in translation. The original reporter who first wrote about Wolverine got some of the translations from the sloth language incorrect. I’m certain of it. But what really burns my biscuits is the discrimination sloths face each and every day. Just because we are the embodiment of sin doesn’t mean you can toss us aside. Hanging upside down and doing nothing isn’t something to be ashamed of, it is what evolution intended. Besides, if you toss us aside we’ll only get back up again in a couple of hours. 

                Changing Wolverine from a sloth to a Canadian shows the bias the mainstream media has towards sloths. Things got to change, they can’t stay the same. We need to stand up for ourselves by slowly moving towards a large structure, getting a grip on it, and pulling ourselves up to approximate the action of standing up. 

                Dear Earth, let us have Wolverine as the superhero for the sloth community? Our current hero ‘Slothman’ only appears in one poorly animated YouTube short and maintains a Livejournal about gaming memes. Please, please let us have this one.