Snoballimus

                You know what they say: when life hands you lemons, do a product tie-in with the Transformers franchise. That’s what Snowballs, a delicious treat did. At first they tried to do a tie-in with a lewd sexual act, but people barely remembered them when carrying it out. Usually when that act was in progress people generally forgot about having a delicious, tasty and downright fresh treat. Or at least that’s what Snowball’s corporate executives think about their product. However, the ‘stain’ of the failed sexual act co-branding has yet to be washed away. 

                I purchased this treat on a whim. That’s what I’d say if I was lying. Actually I’m badly addicted to this junk food. While I went down the grocery aisles, eyeing up countless pieces of garbage to cook for myself, to feed to myself, and generally feel awful about, I saw this thing. Snoballimus encompasses all I love and hate on Earth. Love the Snowball, hate the Transformers. 

                Even the dessert itself bent itself to the whims of the Transformers. I’m glad, however glad I could be, that at least the Snowball choose a hero to color itself after. The blue indicated a depressed snack cake, but the interior flowed red with the blood of the snowball’s comrades. While countless numbers of them had been consumed, they kept on re-populating grocery shelves. Somehow this dessert has resolve, a desire to live. I will crush the dessert’s desire each time I eat one. Eventually I will defeat all twelve of these desserts. 

                Right now I’ve consumed 4 out of 12 of them. One box is particularly empty. The other ones shivered, fearing for their lives. They ought to fear me, I am bigger than them. They are mere snack cakes, I’m a sloth. Never before has a food item been docile enough for me to capture it on a regular basis. Snoballimus’s only defense against my predatory nature has been to retain an unusual blue hue, one which usually indicates being a toddler’s plaything. 

                Look at that picture. Look at the Transformer defeating its foes. Now look at the unmoving, patient, and doomed snack cake. It is so fucked. I’m going to eat it, slowly dissecting it from the cupcake-like thing inside, leaving only its soft, coconut exterior which I will roll up and eat. 

                To get someone else’s perspective on this dessert, I sat down with famous writer Megan Boyle on her Forumspring and received this interesting tidbit

Beach Sloth: What do you think about the Snoballimus? I'm curious since I may/may not be doing an 'in depth' investigation of this dessert.

Megan Boyle: searched for it while semi-consciously eating 25% of tub of 'alden's cookies & cream' ice cream at the dining room table with no lights on but the computer

they look like when you unwrap them they'll be in 'extra 3D'

i think the taste and 'filling-ness' would ultimately leave me wanting more

i feel aversion to the name 'snoballimus' in a similar way i'd feel some of my toys had been placed in my room solely for me to hate when i was little (but i'd enjoy the hating)

Hopefully this has illuminated your perspective on this fine dessert. Hostess, please send me a couple ‘bulk’ shipments of this dessert and I’ll love you forever or at least six months.