1st Annual Alt-Lit Writers Awards

                Who will be crowned the biggest piece of lit in 2011? This contest will answer that. Mark your calendars, get a pen, and do it manually. I don’t want to see any ‘oh, I saved it on my Iphone’ nonsense. No, this is serious. This is the first annual alt-lit writer awards, hosted by haunted hoodie. Haunted hoodie has been all over the alt-lit scene, and has contributed to letpeoplepoems, Metazen, Happy Dog Mom Lit Journal, and more. Some state haunted hoodie is nothing more than a hoodie without a person inside it, that a chair supports its ghostly frame. I say ‘Wake up! Ghosts can have online internet presences too. Besides, why not have a ghost maintain a web presence. It makes sense; they have a lot of time since they are already dead. Dead people enjoy liking your Facebook photos.’

                I am happy about the categories. I want to know who is nominated. What are the prizes? Frank Hinton is mysterious, but she ought to show some of the sweet prize cakes for these pieces of lit. Will they be literal prize cakes, or is ‘prize cake’ a metaphor for the respect and admiration of the online alternative literary community. If that is the case, I gladly trade my online cred for literal food. I’m starving. I have no money. I subsist off of my Yam farm here in rural Montana, alongside jerked tree bark. 

                Here are the categories. I wish I could ‘call’ one of them, but really, I do not know enough to predict the future. Heck, I barely even know Frank Hinton, the shadowy force behind this gala. 

Alt Lit Writer of the Year (male)

Alt Lit Writer of the Year (female)

Best Alt Lit Novel

Best Alt Lit Short Story

Best Alt Lit Poem

Best Alt Lit Online Mag

Best Alt Lit Journal/Mag

Best Alt Lit Chapbook

Best Alt Lit Moment

Breakout Alt Lit Writer (Male)

Breakout Alt Lit Writer (Female)

Best New Litzine

The Jonathan Safran Foer Franzen Lifetime Achievement Award

                While this list looks comprehensive, it isn’t. What about all the bloggers? How can I nominate Alt Lit Gossip, or Banango, or countless other online literary loves? I can’t. Are they online mags? I don’t know. That bothers me. I want to vote. I want to give each writer I know an opportunity at fame, not fortune. Sorry, but if you are an alt lit writer, I think money is a long-distance goal. An online presence is a far more attainable thing.

                Online presence can be another category. For what is poetry? I like people’s online presences. Sometimes, when I’m feeling down in the doldrums, I put on Roggenbuck and watch him shout stuff at a camera for a couple of minutes. It is life-changing stuff, it brings a tear to my sloth eye, and my life is not the same after encountering it. 

Can we put a ‘lief-changing experience’ as one of the categories? Yes we can. Can we put a ‘Best online presence’ award? Yes we can. And can we try to celebrate all that the alt lit community has done for us, whether or not they win awards? I answer with that timeless creed that sums up the spirit of the internet people in three simple words -- yes, we can.

Be there on December 28^th on ustream for a once in a year event.