Slothville

                Slothville, the documentary about my life, comes out this Saturday, December 17^th. People love sloths. I am surprised how long it took to finally set up a documentary about me. Here I thought that by the power of blogging I could accomplish anything. Nope, all it took was someone flying down to the sloth orphanage and getting some ‘Animal Planet’ dollars. How wrong I was. 

                I grew up in Slothville, Costa Rica. I had a loving sloth mother and sloth father. I was one of two sloth children. They named me “Beach” because I loved the water. My younger brother, Lando, was named after his love of steady, non-moving land. Lando was on the sloth football team. Me, I never was very good at sports, though I did make the sloth swimming team. We were a wonderful sloth family, but I had to leave the town to go onto bigger and bloggier things. 

                We are referred to as ‘Cute Crack’ and ‘Cute Heroin’ throughout the show. Lucy (the producer) drives around the sloth orphanage. Here’s where it gets tricky. While I’m not supposed to tell you what happens, I will. She meets a lovable, red-headed sloth at the sloth orphanage named “Annie”. 

                Originally there wasn’t going to be a plot to the show. She had this idea where they’d take roughly 1,000 hours of footage and edit it to make it look like sloths moved quickly and did things. I opposed this idea, raising my hand in a deliberately slow, dramatic fashion. Roman Polanski opposed it as well, wanting to take the sloth documentary into a seedier, darker place. I suggested a darker place by turning off a couple of lights and Polanski left.

                Eventually we decided an orphan Annie would be a good way of ‘humanizing’ sloths. Normally people don’t find animals that hang upside down and poop in their fur that cute. Then again though, people like dogs, so we figured why not try to make Annie do for the sloth community what Snoopy did for the dog community. 

                Annie sings. Annie dances. Annie goes to the United States to live with Daddy Warbucks. Eventually Annie sings some stuff about it being tomorrow, which doesn’t even make sense to me. I mean tomorrow, tomorrow, is always a day away. I don’t understand why she celebrates the passage of time so hard. Sloths don’t care what day it is or how quickly time moves. We’re not really time-conscious beings. 

                Please watch ‘Slothville’. For every person that watches ‘Slothville’ my site gets more traffic. With this documentary coming out I’m sure that the search term ‘sloth’ will pick up steam, as will ‘Beach Sloth’ since I have an important role. See it this Saturday and have your life changed!