Will I ever get published on ‘Thought Catalog’?

                Today I saw a life-changing post from Gawker. It read in 14-point font “The Five Types of Posts You Find at Thought Catalog”. As I went through the article my heart sank a little bit. Man, I submitted a post to Thought Catalog over a year ago. They said they liked it. Yet I never saw that post up there, in big, gleaming letters. I told all my friends, internet and IRL about it, all two of them. And it never appeared and I continued blogging, vowing that next year, to save me from tears, I’ll submit it to someone special. 

                Well, those emotions flooded back, filling my sloth eyes with sloth tears, which take even longer to roll down a face. I guess I don’t have the blog hits they need to publish me. Perhaps they read my blog, though I find it extremely unlikely. You probably need a ton of hits and really positive/negative comments. Commenters need to fight in the comments section, flaming each other. That is the only way you can reach the echelons of unpaid blogging fame.

                I wonder if I’ve lost my edge. Here I am, a 38 year old Daddy blogger of two adorable children from Libby, Montana, thinking about my place in the blogging world. Part of me thinks I know what’s hip with today’s youth. I know young kids love Ice Cream and Big Old Fashioned Hugs. Big Old Fashioned Hugs will never go out of fashion, just like Ketamine.

                Let me go through these five types of posts. Perhaps this can illuminate my dark mind.

1.       The Twenty-Something Post – I used to be a twenty-something. Man, those were fun times, huffing paint behind the garage I lived in, working a 9 to 5 job making planks, and joining the dating scene for the first time. I submitted a Thought Catalog article about my crazy friend’s experiences called “Crabby means something different in your Twenties”. 

2.       The Lovelorn Post – Man, have I been dumped before. One of my most memorable dates involved meeting a crust punk Junky on the Lower East Side. She was the first one to steal my heart, and my pre-paid cell phone. I submitted a Thought Catalog article about this called “Even though you were a Junky, I thought you were Funky. Besides I haven't gotten laid in two years.”

3.       The “I Have Sex” Post – Boy, have I had sex. I have problems writing about sex. Some writers get ‘turned on’ writing about sex, exposing themselves, via nude pictures. I’m not one of those writers. Still, I submitted an article about an orgy breaking out in a mosh pit for a band called “Mother”. The piece was entitled “Mother and her Fuckers”

4.       The Hate Post – I know why my hate piece got rejected. It probably was a bit edgy. I wanted to expose the tendency of domesticated dogs to defecate in their owners’ homes. I entitled it “Look, it’s another piece of shit”

5.       The Post Which Imbues an Everyday Occurrence with Deep Emotional Significance – Every day I write about my daily life, about reading, music, and internet personalities. I also have written deeply personal pieces on this blog, celebrating things, making them truly profound. The one I submitted was “Blogging 101” and it was rejected for being an intro class. 

Not sure if I did everything horribly wrong or not. I feel I did everything right, maybe too right. Future posts may have more snarky comments introduced, in a way to proclaim hipness or that elusive ‘relevance’. We’ll see. Maybe that’s what Thought Catalog wants. But what do you think? Should I change my style up, or do you love me just the way I am?