BEACH SLOTH’S ONLINE SUPER BOWL PARTY, HOSTED BY STEVE ROGGENBUCK

                Pre-gaming is important for the Super Bowl. Sometimes to truly prepare for the Super Bowl, you’ve got to watch a reading overseas. Going across the pond to the UK is the best way. I mean what better way to celebrate this American pastime then watching a couple of Brits. Resident poets Laurens Verdonkschot, Giles Ruffer and Vicki Tingle made me feel like an English Sloth. They read in a distinctly British accent. I enjoyed their English accents. They make me feel sophisticated. Drama happened though, as it always does, with an unexpected Stephen Tully Dierks living the Dierks life in real life. Dierks readings are legendary for their greatness. 

                Then it was my time. Everybody has this moment: one day you’re anonymous, the next you’re reading off camera for some ustream. It happens to the best of us. I knew at some point I’d need to become more relevant. Of course there are a few ways, like blogging or writing books. Another way involves podcasts, videos, and their ilk. After avoiding any direct contact with readers for so long, I caved. I know now that people really want to hear my voice. 

                Steve Roggenbuck gave a tour of my house. Perhaps in the future Steve might host ‘Lifestyles of the Poor and Alt’. I think it is certainly possible. Viewers were taken around my apartment, shown the beautiful windows, told about the ceilings, and given the general run around. Though I must admit having people know of my secret addiction to Simply Lemonade, well, I’m trying to kick the habit. Steve was out of his mind on some kind of Mountain Dew kick. While I may not be able to tell you this, I feel I must: Steve drank nearly a 2 liter bottle of Mountain Dew because he’s a crazy bitchass. For those lucky viewers Steve read a brand-spanking new poem, along with dropping some seriously exciting news about how he going to live his life. 

                Finally it happened: I spoke. I felt strange reading. Now you all know my voice. Wonder what people think about my voice. Some people in the chat said ‘I sucked at reading’ but I’m a sloth so that’s to be expected. Others said I projected well. To those people let me simply say: I love you. You are my favorites. Glad I got to answer random questions in pixelated text form. Glad I also ‘leaked’ a future post. Hopefully I can expand my scope to the dating scene as well, looking for another fellow blog for a blog bang. 

                I read first from Neon Glittery’s world-famous chapbook ‘nEonsense’, a collection of top-notch brilliantly designed prose. Many others soon followed. Gabby Gabby got a read. If you haven’t heard of her, shame on you man, seriously. Gabby Gabby is cool as heck. Greg Santos’ chapbook ‘Tweet Tweet Tweet’ got a couple poems featured, mostly the ones dealing with Westies. I have met Greg Santos IRL and I think he is a very chill bro. Jacob Steinberg, member of the alt-lit jet set, got some sweet attention from one of his life-changing chapbooks. He’s kind of a big deal in Argentina. Megan Boyle’s best-selling alt book received some attention, particularly the unpublished tweets section, which never really gets read that often. 

Spencer Madsen, someone I apparently sound like, heard his book read. Or he would have had he tuned into the ustream. Maybe he did, I’m not sure. I was on such a lit kick. New faces appeared like Keegan Crawford the most emo of bros. Walter Mackey got read. He’s famous for his Tao Lin tattoo (re: gay dad) and of Screaming Seahorse fame. Read from the Pyramid Press, specifically the Brittany Wallace leak. She’s from Ohio. Ohio has some excellent writers and good ustream abusers. Lily Dawn is really good at textually abusing Steve Roggenbuck’s ego. I tried to defend him against her vicious, text-based onslaught but it was useless.  I read from Meghan Lamb’s ‘Love, Jennifer Jason Lee’ and her husband Russ Wood’s ‘Picture of Salukis Looking Majestic’. Glad there is true love in the alt lit scene. Finally I got to read Ana C’s ‘Pinky Promise me this’ which I’ve been sort of digging for a while. 

Ustream endings are always so difficult. Now I know why. I felt an intense connection with the viewers, even more than usual due to my actual voice. While I couldn’t hear them, they heard me. Finally the ustream I have watched for so long devoured me, offering me up on some sweet, delicious, vegan plate. It felt good. It felt meaningful. Suddenly I felt as if I could fly towards that big bulbous moon of online relevancy. So many twitter, Tumblr, blog, and Facebook friends can’t be wrong. 

                Blueberries are a super food, but on Sunday, ustream viewers became my super fans. Thanks for everyone who watched.