I found out my dog is an MFA Candidate by Steve Roggenbuck

                Steve Roggenbuck appears to be having dog problems. The video begins with an honest portrayal of Steve’s poor dog. We don’t see the dog. That is because Roggenbuck’s dog is fricked up on heroin. I don’t know how a dog can shoot heroin into its own paw but apparently that’s possible. Dogs generally are unable to do that. Breaks my heart to hear this sort of thing since the dog would have a promising future. His dog believes it is funny to be addicted to heroin. Steve puts on a brave face during this dark-ass video, even managing to laugh his patented ‘Roggenbuck’ laugh. 

                We see all of the dog’s books for his MFA program. Maybe that is the reason the dog is addicted to heroin. Lots of famous writers abused heroin. William S. Burroughs, Paul Wallis, and Dr. Seuss all were horribly addicted to heroin. Steve takes us on a tour of the dog’s messed up den. The room is disgustingly filthy, or as Steve puts it ‘his filthy fucking apartment’. Dog defecation lies all over the apartment, along with pieces of paper and old books.

                The dog reads Tao Lin. The dog has two Tumblrs. One of those Tumblrs is NSFW. I don’t know how the dog has a NSFW Tumblr. Most likely it is a ‘porn reblog’ Tumblr, something popular among young, hip writers. He also got accepted to a prestigious literary journal on his first try. Steve plays a noisemaker to cover the sound of crying. Steve clearly misses his sober dog. Perhaps his dog used to defecate outside. Now the dog defecates on copies of Zachary German’s ‘Eat When You Feel Sad’. I never even read that book and here some dog is taking a dump on it.  

                Somebody turns off Steve’s swag. I imagine it is the dog. By now Steve is expressing himself much more clearly. Gone is the fake happiness. He put up a brave face for so long. Now he’s angry. He yells at the camera. Steve only wants his dog back, free from his heroin addiction. He misses playing fetch with the dog. Now Steve loans his dog money for ‘food’. 

                By the end Steve explains all the illnesses his dog has. Steve caught some of these. I hope Steve seeks immediate medical care. Please Steve, get better. You need to get to AWP to perform your poetry about flowers. His dog even collects diseases by rolling around in human excrement. It is a sad day. 

                Hope Steve’s dog gets a little better. I know times are tough in an MFA program, believe me I know. Dog I wish that you’d step away from that ledge my friend.