Personal Crisis Chart by Guillaume Morissette

                Guillaume Morissette is the cartographer of the human condition. Lately his biggest ‘hits’ are charts exploring our inner most thoughts and desires. Charts may be the easiest way to understand what’s going on with the alt lit community, indeed, with the twenty-something’s experience. I cannot wait until Morissette busts out his ‘Powerpoint Slide’ series. Yeah, Guillaume has a powerpoint so intense it brought me to tears. 

                With the ‘Personal Crisis Chart’ there are five different openers. But they all lead to the same place. That’s okay. If life is a highway, then I want to ride it, all night long. I am glad Guillaume has the sheer ‘testicular fortitude’ to show something that we know in our hearts to be true. I wish I had the sheer courage to display what I truly feel, but I’m not strong like Guillaume. I’m not Canadian enough to be a badass I reckon. 

                Start from the left. That’s how we do things here. People lead to vague attempts to process people. People can’t be processed though. People aren’t Twinkies. I like the next stem. It begins with Cormac McCarthy, not a writer I’m particularly fond of, in fact quite the opposite. He wrote that dreadful book ‘The Road’. ‘The Road’ is soaked with too much sentimentality. There’s also not enough cannibalism for a post-apocalyptic society. It seems not bleak enough. Fuck Buttons follows on this lovely chain. Actually I dig Fuck Buttons a lot; I consider that ‘end of the world orgy’ kind of music. I’ve seen them play before and think this is a realistic possibility. Then Guillaume has the crazy idea that Fuck Buttons should retire and open a vegan ice cream parlor.

                Puffins are the center of the chart. It is followed by the Beef Jerky chain which leads to space food. Guillaume thinks about Science Fiction (a permanent resting place for depression) before he thinks about an autobiography. MDMA leads to the same outcome. Though with MDMA he meets some cops which seems totally unchill. He wakes up the next day loveless and empty. At least he starts his day with a hallmark of shoegaze, ‘My Bloody Valentine’s’ masterpiece. 

                All of these lead to the same chain. He questions his value in society. Guillaume wants to be a productive member of society. Is it possible to be alt lit and productive he asks? Or rather he doesn’t ask. I can answer it while he suffers from a personal crisis. 

                Guillaume alt lit is relevant. People love alt lit. My friends adore it. Don’t have a personal crisis. People wish they could have such a relevant personal crisis. Now that you’ve given them such a great path to follow, you should be proud. There’s no reason to have a personal crisis anymore. You’re one of the most relevant French-Canadians I’ve ever met. Don’t visit the Holy Land of Personal Crisis. Instead go to the Holy Land of online alt lit. Its name is alt lit gossip. You’ve been there before. Go there once more.