We All Die Eventually by Steve Roggenbuck

                Steve Roggenbuck has been staying with me the past couple of days. During that time we’ve talked about life, the internet, and death. Life comes first. Then there’s the internet, which is a ‘life substitute’ sort of like how spray cheese is almost a food. I got to admit, I adore the internet. Some of my favorite moments occur online. But I often wonder what should I be doing with my life? Is it even relevant? Am I relevant? Do I have enough ‘Simply Lemonade’ to last for the rest of the week?

                ‘We All Die Eventually’ is the most intense Steve Roggenbuck video I’ve ever witnessed in my entire time on Earth. A few times little tears welled up in my eyes. It is a beautiful video. Sure Steve has made many videos, all of them life-changing. But how many of them were in my city? Well, actually a couple of them were in New York City. Let me ask another question though: how many did I get to witness firsthand, seeing the secretive editing process of this internet legend? I’ll tell you: zero. 

                First Steve introduces Baltimore, MD as Baltimore, MD. He tries in vain to say something about the city that never, uh. Then he looks up at the sky, all inspirational looking and shit, and asks a bird to piss on him. Had he said it in a recognizable bird language it might have worked out a little better for him. Next he’s standing over by that pathetic excuse of a science museum, hoping the dinosaur skeletons don’t get lose. Well those dinosaur skeletons are basically paper-Mache replicas of dinosaur skeletons from better-off cities. 

                A select few may recognize that famous hill: this is the second time it has featured prominently in alt lit. Megan Boyle used it for the trailer to her now hit book. He explains in a calm tone about his legal work for Justin Bieber, a high-paying ‘client’ of his who pays him for his tremendous legal insight, along with his sexy vegan ass. 

                 Grass, the sun, fabrics, and other important items are listed off as Steve waxes upon our fleeting existence. He wants orange sauce and he wants it freaking now, so get moving. I’d deliver it myself but I’m a slow sloth. Despite this fact, I can still move down flights of stairs faster than Steve Roggenbuck (simply ask him about the ‘flights of stairs’ competition). 

                Yet even as he talks of slicing bananas, of loving the internet, of poking people on Facebook, he returns to the topic of death. It seems appropriate to talk about death in Baltimore. Right as Steve is basking in the hot, sexy, and single sun he tells Baltimore than he is ‘its sexual cartographer’. Wish I was a sex cartographer. Sexual cartographer sounds high paying and lucrative. 

                As the video ends, Steve screams out his mission statement: ‘Every day I want to do things that make people happy and feel pleasure.’ It is an appropriate way to end the video with Steve travelling on some freaking bus, looking up at the sky at my helicopter flying overhead. 

                Steve Roggenbuck changes lives. Let him change yours today!