Illuminati Girl Gang Vol. 3

                This section deals with Facebook the pain of Daria not existing in real life and the Bats’ discography. Life is about making the mundane beautiful. Whoever fails to do this should prepare for a lifetime of disappointment. 

                Maja Malou Lyse waxes romantic about the internet. The internet is made for lust. Love takes a real life meeting. Over a long period of time eventually love can happen. Until then there’s an annoying text message from a drunken idiot. Waking up early means there is time to do nothing. Some people do stuff with the extra time. Most don’t. Perhaps the hardest thing to understand about life is the following: “In real life there is no Daria”. Crushes on strangers are the best thing ever. Without outside knowledge a fantasy can be completely constructed. Reality doesn’t have that letdown period though. Real is real. Real can hurt though hence why fantasies are wonderful for a period. After a while it can start to hurt. 

                Molly Soda creates a world of Halloween outfits and online decisions. These are strange things. Tinychat is the new way to communicate. Since geography is now limitless so is boredom. 

                Lucy K Shaw describes in bleak detail office work. Every day millions of people go to work. They search the internet. Internet searches are oftentimes saved in a large cache in some unknown person’s Excel spreadsheet. Ways exist of avoiding such a fate. None of those ways involve doing work. Usually work is one of a few things that give life meaning. People who receive all their meaning from work have few creative interests outside of work. With a single outside interest an office job can become a fun job. Google searches at work are unnecessary if someone has a smart phone. 

                Kelly Schirmann experiences fake weather. Fake weather is better known as ‘central air’. It is a hallmark of any upper-middle class residence. Eating from the same meager bowl is a failed relationship. Love dissipates just as love grows. Sometimes it ends. When love ends it is usually the winter and the person spends a few days alone under the covers on the internet speaking to people they’ll never meet. 

                Amy Worrall presents the viewer with a ‘ball orgy’. Commonly found in college dorms a ball orgy typically takes place on a small twin-sized bed. Usually some sort of mind-altering substance is involved. During the ball orgy only faces can be seen. 

                Sarah Jean Alexander advises people about their horoscopes. The advice is priceless. Everybody learns about sex through practice. Practice with sex doesn’t make perfect. It takes knowing a person to really know what is a turn on and what is a turn off. Attractiveness helps sex too probably. Burping into another’s mouth is an intimate thing one can do. One of the most beautiful things to witness in life is to see a twenty-something sitting alone on the train hiccuping. 

                Grace Miceli discusses tattoos. All tattoos are cool. People who have tattoos are considered ‘extreme’ or ‘to the max’. Meeting people on New Year’s Eve confirms that remembering them will be close to impossible. Kissing a computer screen is like kissing an online persona: it is impossible to know what to feel. 

                Melissa Broder understands that planes mean sleep. Few stay awake on a plane. Even those awake on a plane hallucinate heavily. Pubic hair has a lot of styles. Long ago people liked their pubic hair. Now it is all gone. There is a shortage and pubic hair is imported hence the trade deficit. 

                Sarah Messenger destroys a kiss and puts it back together. Relationships are built on destruction of others. It is called ‘having fun’. 

                Molly O’ Brien recalls the tale of a person getting their eyes done. Blindness for a day sounds bad. Glasses help hide the eyes. With glasses there is little need to look somebody in the face. Parts of the face remain hidden. If the face looks too intense the glasses give it comfort. The glasses hide the intensity beneath the frames. Everybody seems to be getting the surgery. And everybody seems to miss their glasses. 

                Beth Siveyer sits alone in a photo booth. Colors express happiness or sadness. The facial expressions express nothing. All of the pictures feature her on a bed alone. Beds are meant for loneliness. Beds are made to be shared. Each idea is valid but the two hardly ever meet. 

                Michelle Whitchurch watches her skin fall off. This is unhealthy. Typically skin is supposed to stay on the body. Removing skin is not recommended. While it is what is on the outside that counts, the insides need a place to hide to be wondered about. Mother unfortunately appears to be doing poorly. She sleeps on Michelle’s bed. Michelle sleeps on the floor watching her hands age. 

                Frank Hinton ends it with a blunt statement: she never listened to the Bats. That’s unfortunate. The Bats had a lot of great hits during their time together. Ignoring The Bats’ discography is to ignore the history of music. However Frank gets a pass for it was a cassette. Hardly anybody listens to cassettes anymore. Yet there’s sweetness to a cassette, a personal feel that is lacking with both Vinyl (too formal) and CD (too half-assed). A cassette is something cherished, loved, and recorded over and over again until it is perfect. Other things happen to Frank too, fun night-time things, travel things. 

                Obviously this is the best Illuminati Girl Gang Volume of 2013. Sit down and read it page to page. This is a thing to get lost in but unlike real things (cities) the geography is welcoming. The Illuminati Girl Gang writers are truly Destiny’s Children.